Y(ou)r q(ua)ntifi(e)d s(el)f, a short story



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(Image: Kyle Thompson/Agence VU/Camera Press)


YOU want to be healthy. You want to know about yourself. You want to be happy. You need to know about yourself. You want to live a long, productive life. It starts and ends with yourself.


How long does it take to get going on an average day? What's your boot-up time? The norm is a bell-shaped curve, much broader than you, personally, would like to see. You'll want to narrow your own curve down. You'll observe what effect this has, right on down the line.


Take your heart, for example. How many times does it beat in a day? Depends on the day. Depends on the heart. But on average, 86,400. That's 8.64 × 104. For each chamber of your heart (four in all), it's the same number. But for all four chambers combined it's four times as many beats a day. That's 34.4 × 104 (or 3.44 × 105), a substantially higher number. If you narrow your curve, that number might climb as high as 4.2 × 105. That's a lot of beats. Not too many, mind you. Your heart is built to beat. You'll race out the door. Good job!



Your body is a temple. You have a duty to know how it stands. Your friends who visit the temple, who hang around on the steps – and the lucky ones invited inside – have a right to know the roof won't collapse and the walls won't crumble. They have a vested interest in knowing the building is sound.


How much have you eaten today? How many calories? How many servings? When you stood on the scale this morning, what did it say? Tip of the week: use the metric system. Kilograms melt away so much faster than pounds. How much faster? More than twice as fast (2.2 times, to be precise). You'll have already knocked off a full kilogram before you've shed even half a pound.


Not trying to lose? Trying to bulk up instead? Same deal: quicker results with the metric system. Even quicker (by a factor of 103) if in place of kilograms, you use grams. Good for the forces of change. Good for your head.


How many steps, on average, do you take per day? You know the length of your stride. You know the number of strides between bedroom and kitchen, kitchen and bathroom, bathroom and bed. You know the number of stairs you go up and down each day. You know how many times you shift on your feet while standing at work. How many times you walk down the hall. Your wristband monitors the distance you travel. It measures how many calories you burn. It counts the steps between here and there.


Thirty-six per cent of you are stepping right now. Two out of three will be reading this as you do: reading while exercising is a time-honoured way to maximise your daily throughput score. Sixty-eight per cent of you readers will be riveted by the material. Eighteen per cent will be nodding off. Be sure to keep your wrist monitor on when your eyes drift closed, whether you're at the desk, on the bus, on the couch or in bed. You'll want to keep track of the distance you log during sleep: during visits to the kitchen, for example, to the bathroom or to check the front door.


If you're a sleepwalker – and a lucky 13 per cent of you are – you'll want to know the duration of your travels, and the average length of your stride. A shuffling walk, you'll note, burns fewer calories than a steady march; a steady march, less than a taut, suspenseful pacing. But all add to the daily count, and when you wake and see what you've unknowingly accomplished, you'll feel as if it's Christmas Day.


No need to dwell on this. You're already counting your steps. You're keeping track of everything you put into your body. You're watching your weight like a hawk. But are you also watching your height?


What shoes are you wearing? Are you tracking their effect on your heart rate, your blood pressure, your mood? How do flats compare to pumps? Shit-kickers to stilettos? Sandals to sneakers?


Seventy-one per cent of you raise your height with footwear between 2.6 and 4.7 centimetres on 76 per cent of days. (Female to male discordance is less than you might think.) Among the artificially elevated, 62 per cent will volunteer an opinion without being prompted. Below 1 cm and above 7 cm of additional height (or lift), meekness and faux-meekness predominate by a two to one margin.


Height affects your mood, and it affects your world-view. You know this. Eighty-two per cent of you average lifters have experienced a more positive outlook, as measured by a shift in the power axis of the Myers-Briggs test. Sixty-eight per cent have noted an increase in appetite, 77 per cent of you have craved to do something you've never done before.



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